Something Old for Aluf's Batik Collection

I don't know what it is that makes me go crazy about everything old. Sometimes I think I much prefer used & vintage stuff than brand new shiny ones. (Except maybe shoes. I find it a bit gross to wear somebody's old pairs of shoes) Even if they're not really antique or vintage, but has an old, worn out look, I find myself drawn to them more.

 Maybe that's why I like Batik Lawasan the most, among all different types of Batik in Indonesia. I LOVE the faded colors, the classic motifs and worn out fabric of authentic batik lawasan (there are many "new" batik dyed in such a way to make it look like lawasan nowadays). I also love imagining the stories behind these batik. Who the owners were, where they lived, what kind of life they lived, what they used the fabric for (on her wedding day? to carry her precious baby and protect her from the cold night air?).

Moving Up

I'm gearing up for the big move, which will happen on Friday. Some of my belongings are already packed in boxes and some of those boxes have already been sent to the new house. Which isn't really a new house because it's our family house which I lived in for a year in 2008 - 2009.

But there is still a lot more packing to do, especially clothes and little knickknacks. I'm supposed to be doing that right this minute, but here I am, writing this instead. And then, there is some goodbyes to do and I've never really been good at that.

One Too Many Sighs for a Sunday

It's amazing how much worrying one can do during a single weekend. And it's also amazing how quickly your energy level plummets after all those worrying. I spent the entire weekend doing absolutely nothing. I stayed at my sister's house. Stared at the kids playing in the pool. Stared at dad chatting with mom. Stared at the TV screen. Stared at my phone screen. Stared at my laptop screen. Stared at the ceiling. Stared at an empty field from the upstairs bedroom window. I moved from one room to another in that big house, not really knowing where I should go or what I should do. But my mind never once stopped working and I never stopped worrying.

Above Water

"A family feels exactly like an archipelago, separate but part of a whole, and always drifting slowly apart," - Matt King, The Descendants

3.58 am

It's a bad sign to be woken up from sleep by your own thoughts. I wish I could get them sorted out, have them resolved soon. But I'm afraid, it will take some time.

I might have to move out soon and this bothers me the most. I don't hate change, but moving means it will disrupt peace and stability in my life and Aluf's. The latter of course is what kills me. Moving out also means she might have to change schools too. This won't be easy. She loves her school. I love her school. We love the place, her teachers, her friends. Where will we go and will she like it as much there?

Step 1: Anger

I'm generally a very patient person. There aren't many things that can get me very angry, and even if I do get angry, I tend to leave the scene (or the person who is causing the anger) to avoid saying or doing things that I might regret later. My mom and my sister are quick-tempered and I've had the misfortune of being the target of their anger, usually manifested with hurtful words, once too many. I don't want to do that to people, especially people I care about.

Why I Didn't Write More

I recently had some thoughts about this blog. Mainly, the thoughts revolved around this question: why don't I write more in it? My immediate answer, which has been programmed into my mind for so long I almost forgot to think beyond it, is "I don't have time." But now I know it's not really true. I claim to love writing, and I do. And I know that I usually find time to do what I love doing. So why haven't I found time to write on this blog?

Now I think I know why. It's because I was never completely sure what I wanted to use this blog for. It may seem obvious. It's my personal blog. I should just put anything I want in it, write whatever I damn please. But in reality it's not that simple. Somehow, I feel more self conscious now that I run an online business where my online presence becomes a reference for people who don't know me that well. I've also been reading a lot of fantastic blogs, written by people who always seem to have clever things to say in a clever way. Or people who are "inspiring". Or people whose life stories are so interesting, you only need to look at the pictures in his/her blogs to make you feel like you want to trade lives with them. These people made me wonder if anything I wrote, or will write, is really worth sharing. So in my mind, I sort of gave myself this unrealistic pressure to write only super clever, super inspiring and super interesting stuff on this blog. Which is why my mind goes blank everytime I opened Blogger dashboard.